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How to properly misuse English

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  • How to properly misuse English

    http://beebo.org/smackerels/how-i-met-my-wife.html
    Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the Keenest of them all?

  • #2
    You haven't lived until you have been gruntled, statman...
    ...---...

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    • #3
      Mr. Winter owes a debt to Mr. Carlin, methinks.

      "Chalant. We have nonchalant. So the concept of chalance exists. What about chalant?

      "Near-fetched. Somethere very obvious. 'Say, that's pretty near-fetched, Bill!'

      "How about Cheese Fondon't, for people who don't like cheese fondue?

      "Hot water heater. You got a hot water heater. What do you need that for, hot water doesn't need heating."
      You've worked so hard on the kidney. Very special -- the kidney has a very special place in the heart. It's an incredible thing. Donald John Trump

      Brian's Wish * Jason Foundation

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      • #4
        Originally posted by ThingsThatExplode
        Mr. Winter owes a debt to Mr. Carlin, methinks.

        "Chalant. We have nonchalant. So the concept of chalance exists. What about chalant?

        "Near-fetched. Somethere very obvious. 'Say, that's pretty near-fetched, Bill!'

        "How about Cheese Fondon't, for people who don't like cheese fondue?

        "Hot water heater. You got a hot water heater. What do you need that for, hot water doesn't need heating."
        Makes me think of Carlin's "hersterectomy" and "Hisnia"

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        • #5
          Can't remember the comedian, but the line was "Why do we park in a driveway, and drive on a parkway?"

          The other was "Why do they call them buildings after they are finished? Shouldn't they be called "builts".
          Whoever said nothing was impossible obviously never tried slamming a revolving door.

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          • #6
            Hot-water heater isn't as bad at "ATM machine" or "SSN number"
            Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the Keenest of them all?

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            • #7
              When we send something on a ship, it is called a cargo.

              When we send something by truck or car, it is called a shipment

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              • #8
                Originally posted by SeeUinMay
                Can't remember the comedian, but the line was "Why do we park in a driveway, and drive on a parkway?"

                The other was "Why do they call them buildings after they are finished? Shouldn't they be called "builts".
                I think these things are called Life's Questions:

                How can there be self-help groups?
                Why are builders afraid to put in a 13th floor but book publishers aren’t afraid to have Chapter 11?
                Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
                Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
                If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
                If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide-and-seek, do they automatically lose because they can’t find themselves?
                If a mute child swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
                If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
                If you are traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
                What is the speed of dark?
                When sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
                Why are there braille sign at a drive-up ATM?
                If you have a friend that works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you bother to plan a surprise birthday party for them?
                If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, a pair of earrings, why don’t they wear a pair of bras?
                If you take a shower, where do you put it?
                How come you never hear about grunted employees?
                If GOD sneezes...what do you say?
                Aren’t all generalizations false?
                Why do you need a drivers license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
                Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
                Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
                If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
                Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
                If a women is a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?
                Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
                How do you know when yogurt goes bad?
                If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you are done?
                Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
                Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship it is called a cargo?
                If you break a vase and then glue it back together and the vase loses it's value, you do not get credit for fixing it. You get the blame for damaging it....

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                • #9
                  If 7-11 is open 24 hours 365 days a year, why do they have locks on their doors?

                  If a union sign painter goes on strike, does his picket sign have anything on it?

                  Why are pants a pair, men's underware a pair, but women's underware is plural?
                  Some people will do nearly anything in order to be able to not do anything.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by SeeUinMay
                    Can't remember the comedian, but the line was "Why do we park in a driveway, and drive on a parkway?"

                    The other was "Why do they call them buildings after they are finished? Shouldn't they be called "builts".
                    I saw Gallahger do that line, but I don't think it was original.

                    My favorite of his:

                    I wish there was a knob on the TV you could use to turn up the intelligence. They've got one labled "bright", but it doesn't work.
                    It's impossible, that's sure. So let's start working.- Phillipe Petit

                    Talent borrows, Genius steals. - Pablo Picasso

                    Ah, there's nothing more exciting than science. You get all the fun of sitting still, being quiet, writing down numbers, paying attention... Science has it all.

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                    • #11
                      In public you can prick your finger but you can't finger your..........
                      Host and Executive Producer
                      South Florida Motorsports Report

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by StatMan
                        Hot-water heater isn't as bad at "ATM machine" or "SSN number"
                        GPS system.

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                        • #13
                          ...come to work with me sometime, there's a couple of guys I'm amazed have made it this far in life, their butchering of the English language aside.
                          ​a bad day at the race track beats a good day at work

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                          • #14
                            I'm old enough to actually have laughed at Victor Borge's phonetic alphabet....

                            ZOOOM
                            "Doc, just set them fingers sose I can hold the wheel"
                            James Hurtubise, June, 1964

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by ZOOOM
                              I'm old enough to actually have laughed at Victor Borge's phonetic alphabet....

                              ZOOOM
                              As am I. Love the "Great Dane". My son still has fits hearing him recite the story with the full punctuation. Brilliance.
                              You've worked so hard on the kidney. Very special -- the kidney has a very special place in the heart. It's an incredible thing. Donald John Trump

                              Brian's Wish * Jason Foundation

                              Comment

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